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If I loved me like I loved her
I’d throw glitter where I walked
I’d catch the frogs in cupped palms
And wait for them to talk
I’d tell myself it was okay
To be a little slower
And when I found myself in tears
Beside myself I’d lower.
Books I didn’t like would drop
Without a moment’s hesitation
And I’d march faithfully along
To make my great migrations
I’d sleep with me, and shopping spree
And answer all my calls,
Even when timed inconveniently,
And I’d walk with me in Fall.
I’d look out for myself and say
“It’s cold, so dress in layers”
I’d grant my starry wishes
And eavesdrop on my prayers
I’d braid my hair and watch TV
And soothe my aching skin
And put the tea and records on
To remember things from then
‘Til I’d pretend I was asleep
And carry myself to bed
Whispering to myself that I
Was glad I wasn’t dead
And hoped I’d never have to be,
And tucked myself in tight,
The year’s first snow enchanting
As I kiss myself good night.
Ten things I hope the people they’re about never find out
1. Nobody has asked if I want to talk about it, and I haven’t. I have cried every night, usually because I still find myself talking to you. I am afraid to visit your grave.
2. I am jealous of your boyfriend. I woke up next to you once, your sleeping face is embroidered in my eyelids now and I want it out so I can just be happy for you.
3. When I say I hope I die soon, I’m not joking.
4. I used to be afraid you’d grow up to be like daddy and I’m glad I was the martyr you spent all your rage on because I will never have to watch you destroy another creature the way I watched him destroy so many.
5. I don’t wish you were my mom anymore; if I’d had anyone but the parents I have I would not be the person I love most and I would not have had so much to learn.
6. I wish you’d hug me, or at least pay attention when I display my accomplishments and beg you to pick a card.
7. I don’t want to be a teacher amymore.
8. I didn’t volunteer because I was nice; I needed the food. A couple of times biscotti and cookies were all I had to live on.
9. It’s cliche to say you broke my heart, but you did form fungus on my flesh and garden bitter mold in my tear ducts.
I’m an herbivore, however, and I feed on it.
10. Anxiety suited me better than apathy and sometimes I miss it.